I’m writing this on the 1st day of July 2021 – it’s been more than a year (1 year and 4 months) we are living in a pandemic. This disease called Coronavirus found in end of 2019 at China (so in short, COVID-19) but then spread worldwide and arrived at Indonesia in beginning of March 2020.
Ever since then, our life has never been the same again. My life has never been the same again.
Before the COVID-19 attack, I was having 6 months maternity leave and that was the longest maternity leave I’ve ever got. When I came back to work around of 2019, I got jetlag. My boss was resigned, I reported directly to Head level. My 2019 performance was given a bad score with ridiculous reasons that I actually couldn’t accept but yet it couldn’t be changed.
I also didn’t get the proper “onboarding” phase yet I got new projects in new year of 2020, I didn’t understand a thing or two or a lot, I got demotivated a lot. I got no teammate to talk too. I felt left behind, unappreciated, unnoticed by my leaders and colleagues.
Then BOOM.. Pandemic strikes. Exactly at 16 March 2020, my workplace decided all employees (head office-based) should work from home.
At first, I thought it was a good thing. I didn’t have to commute long from South Tangerang to Jakarta. But then I found out that it was more difficult, depressing… juggling with my first-born also school from home (at his 1st grade of primary school, damn it) and my second-born baby (direct nursing, etc). And all these unclear directions I got from boss and me didn’t have the power or motivation to break this day-to-day depressing routine.
And this terrifying disease, something so unprecedented – we could be infected anytime. We just stayed at home, wore mask all the time we got out of home, can’t travel (BYE HOLIDAY), restricted rules in public places such as malls, markets, everywhere.. We live in a Fear of infected, people dying everywhere – it was chaos and it made us living such a different way of life. And of course, Indonesia people divided into the ones who obey the new rules and the ones who thinks this disease is worldwide huge conspiration so they wont wear mask, and spread everything and also the religious ones who think “if it’s my time to return to God, let it be.”
Then BOOM.. I got depressed. My performance at work was so weak and I knew I need help. At the time I felt like:
- No matter what I did for company, I was never be good enough for them. It destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. The more overthinking I was, the weaker my performance was (like duh, of course)
- I felt like I couldn’t love myself at all, I didn’t take care of my appearance, of what I ate and just need to numb these pains I felt
- I felt like the BIGGEST LOSER in the world that it made me feel like I suck at everything, at work absolutely, at parenting and everything.
During mid-year performance review, I tried to be honest with my Head level boss about my condition and I got such a not so good response. Then I talked to my new manager and it got better. At one point, I decided this needs to stop. If not, I should be quitting this job.
You know, sometimes quitting has never been an option unless I got a new job at new company. Thinking that I just need to quit without a new job was crazy. In this crazy pandemic, where many people lost their jobs and we need money, it was crazy to think about that. Also, reasons why I work, beside to support my husband in money-making for the family, I have family I take care of – I mean my Mom. And sometimes her siblings’ family.
But my mental health was at stake. I cried. I emotionally ate everything. I didn’t have a good sleep. I was super nervous during my VIRTUAL presentation (I was even here, in my working room, and saw them through Ms Teams), I got panic attack when my Teams’ ringing and it was my boss.
It needed to STOP, me thinking at some point.
I boldly asked my superior what they wanted from me. What deliveries I needed to give to them.
And I started to be more focus and I did, I did everything they asked me. I didn’t care if they asked me to call President Director, I would.
I got this need to fight against my demotivated, scared, self-underestimating self. I wanted to prove them wrong, I wanted to prove me wrong about me. I wanted to killed these thoughts that I was not good enough, smart enough for this job.
I asked my self “Have you tried your best?” Because I should be ashamed of I haven’t.
I told myself even at the end of the year, they still give me bad score for my performance, I will be OK. Knowing that I’ve tried my best, until my last blood. The best that I could with my condition.
I did. I was proud of myself. But then I thought if this company still appraise me like I didn’t give them good enough, maybe it’s time to go.
So, it’s true. By the end of this fucking year, they told me I still haven’t met the expectation.
So, I told them “Is there a possibility for me to go?” and after one or two discussions, it was finalized that I will leave my first company ever, the company that paid my bills for the last 11 years of my life, effectively on 1 March 2021.
SO here I am, 4 months being unemployed. I am happier of course, but at the point of thinking what I want to do next in my life.
Should I go back to corporate life? Should I try another thing?
Wish me luck on that one.
On the other hand, about this pandemic. Indonesia gotten worse that right now the cases of people infected of COVID-19 per day reach about 20,000+ cases. Crazy.
The curve went down couple of months ago, but now it’s flying up fast like a rocket. We are in the middle of lockdown again. Some of my neighbors and family members got infected. Bismillah, lets prayed that me, husband, kiddos, Mom, sister and people who lives with me survive this pandemic.
🌸 MISS D 🌸 